The dumpster fire

Tears well up as soon as I think too long about the world. There is too much noise and the chaos is overwhelming.

How does one navigate this? How am I keeping the flame going? It is faith.

I read this week in a message from a friend this tip: if you have a spiritual practice, double down. She and I met through faith. The organization I practice with was founded in post WW-II Japan. From the determination and fighting spirit of those Japanese citizens who, after seeing their land and their families burn alive, decided they would create a world that embraced the dignity of life using hope and hard work.

We are so much better off right now. Do we deserve to give up, then?

Shakyamuni Buddha (Siddhartha/ Gautama) had a cousin and brother-in-law Devadatta who betrayed his trust and parted ways from his teachings. This story is usually cited to show Buddhahood exists in evil-doers. It could also mean, weakness within usually leads to downfall or regression in faith.

In another context though, Nichiren Daishonin, a 13th century monk and originator of the practice, says: “Devadatta was the foremost good friend to the Thus Come One Shakyamuni, In this age as well, it is not one’s allies but one’s powerful enemies who assist one’s progress.”

This circumstance, right now – this dumpster fire is what will help humanity display greater compassion and courage than ever before. And bring forth our collective wisdom to uproot our own tendencies of anger, greed and foolishness from our lives individually.

It’s not over yet. Let’s be compassionate to ourselves, lets rest as needed, but let’s never give up.

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Making peace with changing dreams…

I have goals and dreams. Two years ago, I decided that by the end of 2018, I would accomplish some career milestones. Things of course did not go as planned, but have moved forward nonetheless. Now – looking back or forward – those same goals make less sense to me. Making sense of that feeling has been hard. What do I want to do? Is this really what I want? What does it say about me that I want to switch gears?

I am learning to listen to myself, to pull my thoughts away from self-judgement to understanding and acceptance of growing dreams… morphing dreams. Do you have experience dealing with this? Please share 😀

I WILL NOT RETREAT

A person can be two things at the same time.  Two identities if you may. An identity on the outside, sometimes to cover up the other identity. It is not malicious nor is it false. It could be called survival – protection from judgement, protection from perceived failure, and in my case, sometimes, protection from love and care. When one feels unworthy of the love and care your closest people have for you – you put on a front – of having it all together. Of doing well, being happy even. The cover is true – not the whole truth, but true nonetheless. Underneath the veil, there is a scared person. Afraid of failing, of succeeding, of trying, of people seeing you and not wanting you, of not belonging, of belonging too much, of nothing and everything. I am that person. I’m like the frog from that story, the one in the pot of slowly heating water. The water is now getting real hot, and I am finding it pleasantly warm. This week has been eye-opening. I’m determined to own this battle now.

My words and prayers today are to see my own ability to break the walls. To trust and break out of this pot – to see what I want out of my life clearly and walk that path confidently and without regrets. It feels good to verbalize this. More than I had realized just came out while typing this up. It is a wake up call. Before the gathering of 50000 Lions, I have to be a lion myself.

Quoting my mentor,

Lions never succumb nor do they ever retreat. Lions leap ahead, roar, battle and win without fail.

-Daisaku Ikeda

The next 40 odd days, you’ll hear from me daily. Some things deep, some things shallow. This will be FUN!

I don’t want headaches anymore

I am a warm person.

Sometimes forgetful.

Sometines “too busy”

But I don’t mean to be

cold or uncaring,

disrespectful or callous.

I am a warm person.

Have always been.

Hope to always be.

But I also hope to be

resilient and strong,

efficient and effective,

loving and giving,

yet firm and protective

of my own self because

tears stream when I hurt.

It stays and pools.

Deepens my doubts, my insecurities.

Shows me how deep they are.

Shows me I need to steel my heart.

But is that for the best?

Who knows?

All I know is that I cry when I hurt,

and that sucks,

and gives me headaches.

And I don’t want headaches anymore.

Spring has Sprung

I haven’t been writing much at all the past year – recently have been feeling an inkling to. I also realized I write poetry only when I’m seriously upset. Writing things that make rhythmic sense in my mind helps relieve some stress I suppose. I went through some difficulties this past month. And Day 2 of that period, I wrote this –

-NOW-

Poke a hole in me, I’m dead.
Talk to my insecurities, you PIG.
Respect my life for once, why don’t you?
I’ll surprise you for sure, I know!

Just vented a few emotions. Chanting and getting guidance from some amazing people from the SGI had me re-focused and encouraged soon enough though. Cannot express in any amount of words, how grateful I am that SGI and Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo are in my life.

Spring just came around, after winter fought a bitter battle to keep us cold. But there is a spring in my step each day, a spring born from knowing I am fighting hard alongside a mentor as amazing as Dr. Daisaku Ikeda for the most important cause in the world today – kosen rufu.

Making Hope

© 2015, Barbara W. Beacham

She lived a life that some would describe as being on edgeEspecially the past couple of years.

It had been over a year since she quite a job she was good at but did not enjoy to chase her dreams. A year of battling the instinct to give up the quest and settle. A year of picking herself back up from the depths of despair. Although she had the familiar familial support to take this chance, she constantly felt like money was short. Her mind never let her spend even what was hers to spend.

She remembered what her mentor wrote, that hope is a decision – the most important one we can make. As long as we have hope, nothing is impossible. She had made that decision a year ago and had refreshed it many times between then and now. As she called the company that had just emailed her, she made hope once again.

Written in response to: https://mondaysfinishthestory.wordpress.com/2015/11/02/mondays-finish-the-story-nov-2nd-2015/