To exist, is that enough?

I was told this past month that I am not ambitious or efficient enough. That I just exist and do not strive for more. The words, though uttered in frustration, gave me food for thought.

For context, I have recently gone from the full-time working-in-corporate life, to a SAHM life. It has been a forced shift, and the transition has been less than smooth for me.

And while I disagree that I merely exist, is ok in today’s time to not have major goals? I am not sure if this is fair on a domestic partner or a family to not have career aspirations – the implications are multiple:

1. The partner is forced (even though they do not mind) to hold down a high paying job so the home expenses are managed.
2. You are worried about overspending and feel a definite lack of spending power.
3. You are worried you are setting the wrong precedent for the little boys you are raising
4. While you want to, you are on most days, unable to budget time for personal exploits.

I am going to be more intentional about how I spend time – and hopefully the little one will start sleeping nights by his own volition soon.

Tomorrow’s post – a mother’s perspective on sleep training. Riveting stuff, I tell you!

June 14, 2023

It is my baby’s first birthday today! Happy Birthday, A!

We stayed up late with M (almost 4, woah) baking cakes and blowing up balloons as he chanted, ” This is the best birthday ever! ” over and over again. Could not help but think this thing I am doing – having a family, spending my days caring for little kids – is absolutely precious. I am appreciative of these moments, as I do tend to dwell in exhaustion and frustration a lot these days. Maybe I should get myself a Congratulations on a year, Amme!! present 😀

Something chocolate or noodle-y. Ah, back to the task at hand – let’s ruminate on that later.

Sure, the days are hectic, and I have not spent a night sleeping full 7 hours in a whole year. Of course the phatic “this too shall pass” applies, but try telling me that at my 3rd wake up at 4:15 am, and you will regret opening your mouth. I am considering sleep training him next week, once I get him to the pediatrician.

I have been chanting – not quite as consistent this past 2 days as the days before but we are not too shabby. Life condition is better but we had a bit of a health scare with the older one – much more manageable than previous episodes but scary for us nonetheless. Need to start incorporating more gratitude into this life. Today I am grateful for my babies – both a handful but both just constantly making me smile.

Planning the upcoming weekend is our next task! It could be a long drive kind of weekend.

Making tectonic shifts

Good day, all!

As I was reading through posts on this blog, my self-critical brain noticed the few different times I have promised (mostly myself) that I would write more often but have fallen off the face of the earth since. Life’s been busy, man – let’s start again.

Kittu the monkey is a new character that has arisen in stories to my toddler, and my younger one still wakes up too many times to let me get the sleep I need. All said and done, I am trudging on, not quite joyfully. Here I start my chanting and practice anew.

The goals are – 1 – 2 hours chanting daily plus some New Human Revolution reading too. Frim this moment forward, I will see clearly my blockages and negativities and fight head on. Enough post partum slack – it is time to win.

Today’s goal is to bring up my life condition – and this will be evidenced by 2 characters –

1. Motivation – I will live my day more intentionally
2. Cheer – I will spend time with my kids with more joy and patience

Come back tomorrow for a recap and more goals.

#NMRK

Toughest week of my life, this

The reasons are personal. I’ll share further subsequently, but this quote has been a mood uplifting addition to my mind.

Yet

There they are my parents

Who birthed me

Cared for me

Helped me fly

My husband

Partner in all things

Truest friend in the worst times

Propels my flight

My son

Joy in my being as it exists

Deepest love, mine to protect

My reason to soar

Yet.

I feel most myself when

I am without them all

When I am by myself.

The dumpster fire

Tears well up as soon as I think too long about the world. There is too much noise and the chaos is overwhelming.

How does one navigate this? How am I keeping the flame going? It is faith.

I read this week in a message from a friend this tip: if you have a spiritual practice, double down. She and I met through faith. The organization I practice with was founded in post WW-II Japan. From the determination and fighting spirit of those Japanese citizens who, after seeing their land and their families burn alive, decided they would create a world that embraced the dignity of life using hope and hard work.

We are so much better off right now. Do we deserve to give up, then?

Shakyamuni Buddha (Siddhartha/ Gautama) had a cousin and brother-in-law Devadatta who betrayed his trust and parted ways from his teachings. This story is usually cited to show Buddhahood exists in evil-doers. It could also mean, weakness within usually leads to downfall or regression in faith.

In another context though, Nichiren Daishonin, a 13th century monk and originator of the practice, says: “Devadatta was the foremost good friend to the Thus Come One Shakyamuni, In this age as well, it is not one’s allies but one’s powerful enemies who assist one’s progress.”

This circumstance, right now – this dumpster fire is what will help humanity display greater compassion and courage than ever before. And bring forth our collective wisdom to uproot our own tendencies of anger, greed and foolishness from our lives individually.

It’s not over yet. Let’s be compassionate to ourselves, lets rest as needed, but let’s never give up.

Making peace with changing dreams…

I have goals and dreams. Two years ago, I decided that by the end of 2018, I would accomplish some career milestones. Things of course did not go as planned, but have moved forward nonetheless. Now – looking back or forward – those same goals make less sense to me. Making sense of that feeling has been hard. What do I want to do? Is this really what I want? What does it say about me that I want to switch gears?

I am learning to listen to myself, to pull my thoughts away from self-judgement to understanding and acceptance of growing dreams… morphing dreams. Do you have experience dealing with this? Please share 😀

I WILL NOT RETREAT

A person can be two things at the same time.  Two identities if you may. An identity on the outside, sometimes to cover up the other identity. It is not malicious nor is it false. It could be called survival – protection from judgement, protection from perceived failure, and in my case, sometimes, protection from love and care. When one feels unworthy of the love and care your closest people have for you – you put on a front – of having it all together. Of doing well, being happy even. The cover is true – not the whole truth, but true nonetheless. Underneath the veil, there is a scared person. Afraid of failing, of succeeding, of trying, of people seeing you and not wanting you, of not belonging, of belonging too much, of nothing and everything. I am that person. I’m like the frog from that story, the one in the pot of slowly heating water. The water is now getting real hot, and I am finding it pleasantly warm. This week has been eye-opening. I’m determined to own this battle now.

My words and prayers today are to see my own ability to break the walls. To trust and break out of this pot – to see what I want out of my life clearly and walk that path confidently and without regrets. It feels good to verbalize this. More than I had realized just came out while typing this up. It is a wake up call. Before the gathering of 50000 Lions, I have to be a lion myself.

Quoting my mentor,

Lions never succumb nor do they ever retreat. Lions leap ahead, roar, battle and win without fail.

-Daisaku Ikeda

The next 40 odd days, you’ll hear from me daily. Some things deep, some things shallow. This will be FUN!

I don’t want headaches anymore

I am a warm person.

Sometimes forgetful.

Sometines “too busy”

But I don’t mean to be

cold or uncaring,

disrespectful or callous.

I am a warm person.

Have always been.

Hope to always be.

But I also hope to be

resilient and strong,

efficient and effective,

loving and giving,

yet firm and protective

of my own self because

tears stream when I hurt.

It stays and pools.

Deepens my doubts, my insecurities.

Shows me how deep they are.

Shows me I need to steel my heart.

But is that for the best?

Who knows?

All I know is that I cry when I hurt,

and that sucks,

and gives me headaches.

And I don’t want headaches anymore.

Spring has Sprung

I haven’t been writing much at all the past year – recently have been feeling an inkling to. I also realized I write poetry only when I’m seriously upset. Writing things that make rhythmic sense in my mind helps relieve some stress I suppose. I went through some difficulties this past month. And Day 2 of that period, I wrote this –

-NOW-

Poke a hole in me, I’m dead.
Talk to my insecurities, you PIG.
Respect my life for once, why don’t you?
I’ll surprise you for sure, I know!

Just vented a few emotions. Chanting and getting guidance from some amazing people from the SGI had me re-focused and encouraged soon enough though. Cannot express in any amount of words, how grateful I am that SGI and Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo are in my life.

Spring just came around, after winter fought a bitter battle to keep us cold. But there is a spring in my step each day, a spring born from knowing I am fighting hard alongside a mentor as amazing as Dr. Daisaku Ikeda for the most important cause in the world today – kosen rufu.